A monthly premium of $100,000 seems like an awful lot to pay for $38.85 in life insurance.  I wonder if I can get some stimulus money to help pay my insurance bill?

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The following list of bloopers is was sent to me by email in 1996. I must have liked it, because I added to to my humor archive. The email claimed that these are actual messages taken from church bulletins:

• Don’t let worry kill you- let the church help.
• Thursday night- Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs.Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• Evening massage – 6 pm.
• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
• ANNOINTING OF THE SICK . . . If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
• Usher will eat latecomers.
• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
• The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
  The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
• The sermon this morning: GOSSIP . . . THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
  The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
• The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 . . . EUTHANASIA
  The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE
• The sermon this morning: PREDESTINATION . . . WHAT ABOUT HELL?
  The closing song: I’LL GO WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO

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• Writing your Thesis Outline
• Your Thesis Title
• Phd Years-to-Thesis Chapter Conversion Chart
• The Thesis (series)
  
• Raiders of the lost dissertation (series)
  

Also, I have just found this hilarious video about dissertation writing. This is done by the same talented guy who helped me make the video of my dissertation presentation.

No Dissertation from ticoneva on Vimeo.

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A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

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• This Sunday’s Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

• If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

• Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

• Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

• Karen’s beautiful solo: “It is Well With My Solo.”

• Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

• If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

• Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”

• Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

• Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

• Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

(from Humorama newsletter via PreachingNow)

[I just looked at the Possibly Related list for this post, and it is pretty strange. That list is automatically generated by keywords found in the post. That's why it is called Possibly Related.]

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As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

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A little boy forgot his lines in the church Christmas play. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank. Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, “My mother is the light of the world.”

(Taken from PreachingNow, the newsletter of Preaching Magazine.)

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Want to improve your skills as a song leader? Then this new game is for you! [Thanks to Scott Aniol for posting a link to this site.]

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